I bought myself a webhotel from Finnish Suncomet. I'm getting all my stuff there, like portfolio, gallery and blog. Of course I'll keep this blog for anonymous ranting, but I'll try to be interesting and professional there. I'll link it once there's something there.

Tomorrow night I'll have my second-to-last shift before holiday. Next shift is Saturday, 16-01. Then whole month away from that horrid place! Yay! I really need this. Even if the school starts at the same time as my holiday, it can't be that bad. Rakkautta & Anarkiaa (Helsinki Love & Anarchy Film Festival) is coming, and if I want to, I could have one social September. People have been asking me to partake this and that all the time, and I might take weekend-trip to somewhere as well. We'll see. I'm actually looking forward to getting my server-space up and running and designing new layout for the whole thing and stuff. And school. And yeah. I'm probably just going to be really busy and stressed...

I'm tired. I had something worth actually saying, but I forgot.

Squee.

PS. I heard that most people who work full-time in U.S.A usually get only one week holiday in a year or something. WHAT?!! How do they survive with it?! I understand japanese. They have all sorts of religious days that aren't office days all the time, I've heard. I mean, twice in a month at least, or something. But come on. A week holiday in whole year? No fucking way. That's torture.

I'm very carefully thinking about quitting smoking. I've been not-smoking for couple of days because of the flu, and frankly? It's not that bad. I do imagine that work is biggest problem right now. I smoke the most in there. I need more willpower. I think most of my issues are simply from lack of will to do what I need to do.

Not much else. Ropecon went. I was there Saturday, working what little I had and seeing lots of people. Mikko and Riina are getting married this weekend! There was lots of KK-crew. Vilma, Rauna, Krax and his girlfriend, Siritys was working there too, Andy visited shortly. I saw some old larp-mates. I saw Candy/Hattara, who had difficulties to recognize me. From Chronicle, there were Asmodeus and Neverwise, Bryyn, Igor, Oka, poor Eilen who worked her ass off, Mayse and Teemu and his girlfriend and... So many people I can't remember them all. Lots of random people I know from somewhere. I missed Belle and Noxi because they weren't there on Saturday.

It wasn't that bad. I guess I'll volunteer next year as well. But I hope some things work better then. I hope I'm not sick then, too... It really bit down my motivation. In the end of the evening I was drinking with bryyn, mayse and igor and staggered home after 21:00 when I figured I really need to get home to sleep. I didn't sleep much, though, because I got high fever and nasty cough.

I was supposed to go Sunday as well, but I was way too sick to leave the house. I still am. I got three days sick leave from the nurse today, and I don't mind at all... I hope I'll get better soon, though. I hate being weak and tired and achy and cranky and not getting anything done.

Anyway. I think some things are going to change in my life now.

I got a big, fat flu from somewhere. It's horrible. Tomorrow I'm still going to fight my way to Dipoli and Ropecon, because I promised to be there. We'll see how I'm holding on.

Anyway, I was shooting today again. .22 as usual. Here are results.

10 = 2
9 = 8
8 = 7
7 = 7
6 = 7
5 = 9
4 = 16
3 = 4
2 = 7
1 = 2
missed, but on target-sheet = 4
no misses of whole target-sheet.
together = 83 (I bought too much new bullets. I have the whole 50 + 2 bullets waiting for me there, so I guess I'll shoot with .22 next time as well.)

Off-shoots = 4,8%. This was over 12% last time, I think.

So, what can we conclude? I'm getting better each time I go there. It would be astonishing if I didn't, though, considering how crappy my last few times were, not to mention the first time I was there.

Still fun and games.

Oh, yeah. I'll never order anything trough UPS anymore. Only one person had any kind of positive say abou their service when I asked around. My parcel was supposed to be here in 2-4 days. Well, it's been now 7 days, and because it comes on Monday (we can hope) it'll be 10 days to deliver then. Customer service sucks. I can have no what-so-ever saying to when they could deliver the parcel to me (time of the day). "Drivers deliver them as they want to, we can't order them around." Ok. Thanks. So I have to stay 8 hours home just to wait for the parcel? Gee. This is exactly why I use couriers. And, of course there's this 11€ payment I have to pay them because, well, WITHOUT ASKING ME they payed my taxes for the parcel, and now they'll be sending a bill for me from the taxes plus that 11€. There was no mention about this in their site or in terms of service when I ordered my shoes. I couldn't assume any extra costs. Plus, they screwed up delivering the parcel today to my work as I requested and as they promised. I called them Wednesday about this, and we very clearly made agreement that they could and would deliver the parcel today to my workplace, but they, without mentioning to me, decided without any reason that I should pick the packet up by myself from them (I thought about it a while on Wednesday but didn't go for it, because it would take 2 hours to get their warehouse and back...) and didn't deliver. When I called, again, they told me "that shouldn't have happened". But well, it did! Fucking amazing! Well, they didn't even apologize, not to mention figuring out how I could get that parcel I've payed over 50 euros already to UPS from delivering it to me LAST MONDAY without further inconvenience. But Jolly, they didn't mind me being pissed and they screwing up their promises!

I was very angry when I called few times today there, and finally we agreed that they'll deliver on Monday to my home address. If they screw that up, I'm going to raise such hell that they won't believe. Also, the customer service answered "well, okay" to me when I mentioned how disappointed I am to their service from reasons I've now written here as well. She didn't give a shit!

Well, excuse me from writing reclamation and never, ever again ordering ANYTHING trough UPS. Work or leisure. I'd rather stab myself in the eye. Thanks for crappiest service I've ever got!
What a piece of shit for courier service they are. Like suojelus said, isn't the easy, fast and flexible customer service one reason why people use couriers in the first place. And why! Yes it is! There's nothing easy, fast OR flexible in my case, however. And I'm not going to get cheated out of my money twice, thanks.

Now I'm off to sleep. I have early wake-up tomorrow and I already feel like shit.

But I totally love you people so much it's crazy. Friends.( And even Family.)

Try to bear with me.

Don't ever let me intimidate you. Slap me if I try.
Please.

I have almost nothing to say to anybody.

I feel distant, insignificant and irrelevant. Like a balloon without a string. Floating away above others and really longing to belonging.

I don't have opinions about anything.

Looking for a place to rest.

(Sometimes I question my sanity.)

Ei ole kiva jos on liikaa vapaa-aikaa. Mut ei oo kyllä kiva jos on liikaa töitäkään. Unirytmin kääntö kesken. Sunnuntaina pitäs selviytyä töihin kymmeneksi. Mikä tarkoittaa heräämistä kahdeksalta. Viimeisen kuukauden olen mennyt lähempänä kahdeksaa nukkumaan kuin noussut sängystä. Keho vasta nyt oireilee väsymyksen ja nukahtamishalun merkkejä. Tänään heräsin viideltä iltapäivällä. Jos nyt nukun, pelkään että käy taas köpsästi.

Särkee päätä. Paljon painajaisia viime aikoina. Noitia ja kummituksia, jotka tekivät pahuutta ja olivat ilkeitä ja uhkaavia. Muutenkin stressaavia ja ahdistuneita unia, joista herää kipeänä ja jumissa ja särkyisenä. Aurinko häikäisee. Silmälasit klenkottaa, kun ruuvit löystyy koko ajan. On hankala ja epämukava olo. Töissä on laiska ja jotenkin... tahdoton olo. Kotona huvittaa vaan selata netistä hassuuksia ja väistellä kaikkea kivaa ja luovaa.

Nyt on ihan sellainen olo, kuin olisin pahimmillani. Etten keksi itsestäni yhtään hyvää puolta, eikä elämässä ole mitään kivaa ja valoisaa. Ettei minulla ole mitään hyvää annettavaa. On kiusallisen itsetietoinen olo ja jotenkin tuntuu että häiritsen kaikkia muita vain olemalla. Vitsit ei tule ulos niin kuin tarkoitti. Jotkut asiat ahdistaa, mutta toisaalta, suhtaudun niihinkin lähinnä olankohautuksella. C'est la vie. Pelkään kuolemaa tosi paljon. On stressiperäistä ihottumaa ja krooninen päänsärky. Välillä kädet tärisee ja on voimaton olo. Joka päivä on bad hair day. Stressiä rahasta, stressiä koulusta, stressiä töistä, stressiä STRESSAAMISESTA ja jaksamisesta. Jos en tee jotain, on syyllinen olo. Jos teen, on niinikään syyllinen olo. Töissä olen teennäisen iloinen, mutten tiedä huomaako kukaan (sitä että yritän jakaa 'iloa' läpänheitolla, tai sitä että se on teennäistä). Kotona nukun paljon ja huonosti, syön vähän ja huonosti ja epäsäännöllisesti, enkä oikein jaksa sitoutua edes television katsomiseen.

En tykkää yhtään minusta. Minusta on tullut ihminen jonka katsetta välttelen peilistä.

Missä vaiheessa näin kävi.

Work is as work goes. It's boring, but I really don't have enough time to think that my life's crap and I'd rather have a new one. If I have energy left, I read. Kage Baker gets better by each book I read from the company-novels. I'm now trough Graveyard Game. Three or four more to go. I think I'm done before 1.9 when my holiday starts. I better have plans then.

My new shift timetables are fresh from the print, and I added my shifts to my yahoo calendar for all you curious little snits. It doesn't have too many empty spaces in it. From 27th of July to 13th of August I'm busy every day. So if you want to see me; you can't before 14th. At least during days. I have blissful two weeks of morning-shifts coming, just when my sleep-rhythm has degenerated to vampiric one. Too bad those morning-shifts are 9½ hour days, so I doubt I have much time to spend outside work and bed and buss anyway. It does me good to learn to sleep during actual dark hours, though. I'll need that when the school starts after a month. And I have to wake up at seven AM. SEVEN! (I had a nightmare where I had only 2 more years left to study and I still didn't know anything more than now and I was sure I'll never get a job.)

Anyway. I have almost-normal weekend; two-days off before the hell of work-wedding-work-ropecon-work -weeks start. I'm planning on using that friday and saturday by cleaning the house so that I don't have to in weeks to come. And perhaps soaking my head in alcohol. But, yeah. I'm probably not going to be too entertaining for some time now. I'm sure you won't die in grief and if you do forget how I look like or that I existed; it's probably for the better anyway.

--

My financial situation is never too good, but now it's downright gloomy. Much because I have to deal with 1000 euros I don't currently have and should have. I paid one student allowance back to KELA from last spring. I still have to pay two more. I'm not sure how I'll make it but I probably will, somehow. Rent is going up 30€, starting September, too.

I'm afraid I don't have anymore money to buy a wedding present, at least too much of it. If I'm really forgetting another huge bill I have waiting for me, I might have to cancel the whole trip up north to the wedding completely. Which would just suck.

Rant, rant. I'm not poor, but life is expensive nowadays. I remember when 20 euros, 120 old finnish marks, was enough to go by at least a week without a trouble, perhaps even two weeks. Now it's hardly enough for one visit to grocery store.

P.S. I just used Sampopankki's web bank to check how much money I still have on the account and what's the situation with my mastercard. I had to sign in 6 times to check out both account and the mastercard-information. The bitch jammed all six times.
I really have to quit that fucking account. I hope I'll never, ever have to associate myself with that piece of shit again. Never.

Last night I dreamed that I was with eilen, felis_lynx and constantia in Helsinki Kauppatori during a huuge thunderstorm. Eilen was maniac and laughing like the storm empowered her or something, Constantia was a bit afraid and shaky but still exited, and Felis_Lynx was completely calm and emotionless. She told me that it's dangerous out there and we should leave. I said it's not and we're not going to get struck by lighting.

Well, a moment later a lightning struck me in my shoulder, it hurt like hell, and I though FOR FUCKS SAKE NOW I'M DYING. GREAT! JUST GREAT! DAAAMN. And Felis was just saying "I told you so, there you go." and I was even more pissed about dying. The bolt felt like hot, liquid metal in my shoulder, making a way toward my heart and legs, it squirmed inside of me like a snake, and it felt horrible. I woke up and realized I had slept two hours more than I should've and that I was in a hurry to rpg with guys.

Other news:
I picked up my new keyboard. It's cool, pretty and absolutely fantastic, but arrow-buttons are in a wrong place compared to the old board and I can't use them as fast as I've used to. All the buttons are kinda packed together. It's logitech (I'm rather loyal logitech-customer), but I don't remember the model number anymore. I almost bought silicone keyboard which is totally washable completely because I just hate the stuff that gets inside all keyboards during time - especially if you have two cats! It can't get dirty because it has NO visible seams, and it can be rolled together like a newspaper! :D It would've costed only 20 euros, but I thought it's not as nice looking as this shiny little babe. I think I still buy it sometime and use it when I have no guests...

I also bought new headphones. They're fantastic too! They're Creative media lab product, another firm I completely adore and love. They work with batteries, and leech the mp3-player or other media-source only if battery's low. The sound is fabulos, clear, and deep. They can be folded neatly, and I got leather bag for them as well. There's volume-button in the left headphone. They're completely usable as DJ-phones, even if I'm no DJ. Love them!

Gadgets, yay! I know I'll go to hell for liking too much material stuff, but whatever.


Otherwise, Hunter-game was nice even if it didn't really go anywhere and I don't know when it's the next time we play. Last time I played was over a year ago, so I'm rusty. My character is feverishly crazed with hunting stuff and it lacks several abilities which would be totally needed with her low intelligence, but I still love it.

Damn. I have lots to do before Saturday and bachelorette-party of a dear friend, but that's okay.

I'm fine.

Girls and boys, we should order BPAL soon!

I'm not actually in rotten mood, I just think that's the way I'm probably percieved around right now. Annoying. I'm being as honest as I can, and I react to how people behave, with as much honesty as I can muster, and I hope I'm sometimes understood correctly. Silence, though, usually tells me that I am not.

I think I still have some issues, but refreshingly enough; mostly new ones. I really, really hate being ignored and taken for granded to the point where I'm pesky little motherfucker who starts demanding answers to questions I've already pointed out enough. I guess I never will push this further than I already did, though, because if some things are not explained freely, I might as well deal that and make my conclusions without further knowledge. It's my own personal hell in the end, isn't it, and I can hardly keep anyone else responsible about it.

I have plans for the next couple of days, even though I still don't expect too high experience from the rpg, and it probably will show, and others will probably be effected by it too, and that probably will make me feel yet again shitty of being Bad Player. I was pretty inspired for a lot of things today, but somehow I managed to get that inspiration totally killed. Now I'd like to sleep until next Saturday.

I think I should stay busy. I'm stressed then, surely. I'm tired, sure. But at least I don't have enough time in my hands to realize my life is a piece of crap and I would rather have a new one.


It was nice to see my ex-roommate yesterday, though. She brought me delicious food and was just charming. Nice to catch up with her.

I made myself own food today, but I didn't even touch it. Now it's cold enough to be thrown away. What a waste.